Original post, winter solstice 2018
For me, this is where god is - in the transitions between the dark and the light - between this life and whatever else exists - the quality of light that filters in the latest morning of the year & the reflection of the lights from my Christmas aloe.
The last five Christmases have sucked, and I’m beginning to understand why so many go underground, or light candles with the faith that the oil will last, or that the baby will come out.
(Babies always come out, this I can promise).
But there is a lot that happens in the darkness.
I’ve seen women get lost in the darkness of the transition, and god has always been there, too.
Sometimes god appeared in an Indian grandmother on her knees in the “family waiting area,” who would have liked to have been where I was, in the labor room, but she had more faith in my expertise than in her worry. Or she knew that her worry was as useful in the other room, surrounded by alternate deities of People magazine and free Jello. Sometimes god appeared in a shift change, or a compassionate anesthesiologist, or a sandwich you might not otherwise consider.
And sometimes god was in the three wise nurses who filed into the room, bearing the modern gifts of Methergine, Cyotec, and a unit of type O blood.
What I forgot then, and try to remember now, is that god also shows up as me. That when I look around and see and feel hopeless that it is my opportunity to be a vessel or an image and let god work through me.
I’m trying to do this now, as Christmas is within spitting distance and I SO do not want this one to suck. One third of this is surrendering my expectations, one third is hoping for miracles, and the final third has my bootstraps wrapped tightly around my fists, making my own magic.
The winter solstice, for those of us in northern latitudes, is the end of the great leaning out and the start of the great leaning in. That feels important to me now, as I consider where and how to leverage my own light and life force. When my tendency might be to hide and hibernate, or run in any direction, can I simply commit and lean in?