Mavens of ill-advised multitasking

on bruxism and bravery

As far as I know, before this one there has not been a list of worst ideas of things to do on a treadmill whilst having a vestibular disorder, but let’s just say that attempting to thumb type is presently in the first position.

And yet, here I am, maven of ill advised multitasking, terrified of the momentum of erosion.

Am I speaking of our political system, or the cascade of aging which seems to have multiple points of origin?

Yes.

I would like to be wise, sage, and supple, selfless enough to focus on the things that matter before mentioning my appearance as haggard, but indeed both are symptoms of the same problem of patriarchy. Comorbidities of the mid mid roaring twenty twenties.

That does not roll off the tongue.

So I will begin again, or interrupt myself to mention that this week, after topping my weekly to do list for the last 60 weeks, I finally saw a new dentist.

He was unremarkable, and our interaction was precisely 47 seconds. His name was neither Rosencrantz nor anything like it, but that’s how the dust of our moments has settled in my mind. He’s either my fourth or fifth dentist (I can’t remember if I saw one the year I lived in California). My first dentist in youth was not my favorite - we hold a shared trauma as we both realized many millimeters too late that I’m just red headed enough to be impervious to Novocaine.

My second, dear Kelly, was a man who held my hand and promised to hurt me only financially, a pact he kept.

I recall the day of my first filling with him when - rather than getting IV fluids to replenish fluids lost in 2.5 hours of sweating, as I had with my first - I was painless and only a few hundred dollars lighter. I sat in the parking lot before returning to my college classes and realized that My Hero Kelly, Patron Saint of Lidocaine was twenty years my senior, and statistically more likely to die before me.

I begged god to take me first.

But, in her infinite wisdom, she took both Kelly and his trusty assistant Hope sequentially in a series of freak accidents: a self-piloted plane crash through Texas updrafts and West Nile Virus.

I appreciate that in light of our current news cycle, these both might seem more commonplace than they were back on 2011, but friends. I have invested time and money in therapy on this matter and am assured that these are both profoundly odd ways to die and not my fault.

Clients of Kelly were grateful to new dentist Roger for stepping in and purchasing the practice as it was, but I put him through quite the interview process. Most people seem not to have relationships with their dentists, but I made an effort.

The only lapse in my care prior to this one was related to global pandemics and the ensuing tumult.

But last year on the three week anniversary of my

Happy Hysterectomy

hysterectomy, I dressed and tenderly made my way to the car to drive the 70 mile pilgrimage I had established to see him.

Surely I could just drive, then lie down for an hour, then drive. Right?