In a previous lifetime, I was a professional judge, which honed my exceptional talent for complaint. It is on this authority that I share the following tips with you:
1. Plan to be disappointed
Start with a swift list of everything that irritated you last time, you’ve seen in the media, or have heard from others. When you’re new to complaining, you can’t expect yourself to recognize every opportunity immediately, so do your best to color your experience and set your mind towards complaint.
2. Explore the minutia, and hold on tight!
Complaint begets complaint (thankfully!), so once you’ve found something to complain about, make a mental note to anchor on it and repeat, return, rehash. They forgot your salad dressing on the side. Then they brought an insufficient amount. Then too much. It’s probably too acidic too, if you really think about it…
3. Seek (and destroy) joy
If someone is having a great time, remind them that it will end! Sunshine causes wrinkles, bodies wear out, and your favorite color is ALREADY LAST SEASON. Sure the beach is nice, but did you know about sand fleas, flesh-eating bacteria, and rogue hypodermic needles?! Also these beach chairs are uncomfortable and my skin feels sticky.
BONUS: curate and perpetuate your own misery
God forbid the weather is perfect, be prepared to complain about times when weather was not perfect. The blizzard of ‘86? The time you went to Costa Rica to stay in eco-friendly housing by the ocean and it was -gasp- not air conditioned?! YES. Let’s go THERE.
Or: say thank you early and often, make a list of things that always yank you out of despair, assemble a team, be willing to be pleasantly surprised.
Last weekend in a doom scroll, I watched a clip of a Brené Brown interview chopped and spliced for the clock app. In the same way I want to enjoy sushi, I want to appreciate Brené. I believe all the cool kids do. Like a skilled Jazz musician, I can appreciate Brené for her wisdom and talent and experience without really jiving with her. But this? This quote stopped me.
”I want to be remembered for my contribution, not my complaint.”*
Shit. Me too.
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