For when you sh*t the bed

curveballs are one thing, and this is not that

If you’re still swimming around in a chapter of life that is devoid of f*ck ups, feel free to skip this one. If, however, you’ve fallen from grace more than once, accidentally texted nudes intended for your doctor friend to your boss, summoned the fire department to your apartment with the cunning use of shower steam, or fired the wrong person, welcome.

You’re in the right place, and right on time.

In my early twenties, before the internet took hold, I created an incremental list of fuck ups to use as a helpful metric or guide. Here, you’ll find that and what to do about it.

1. Forgot to flush.

2. Cursed directly at grandma *or* accidentally repeated the only phrase you know in Lithuanian, which you learned from your grandma, which is in decidedly poor taste, in mixed linguistic company.

3. Used mom’s (or ANYONE’s) fabric scissors for paper. But, not like important paper, like gift wrap. And a lot of it.

4. Told a hilarious story about how your brother met his girlfriend to everyone at the table, including his girlfriend’s parents, only to realize that the story was about his PREVIOUS girlfriend while ALSO learning that the story is privileged information that is not intended for sharing outside of the nuclear family unit.

5. Summoned the fire department to your apartment because the steam from your shower is so dense it irritated the building-wide alarm system, and the door is then busted open on you, standing soapy and naked on a step stool flailing a broom at the offending sensor.

6. Texted nudes intended for your doctor friend with the phrase, “Do you think this looks infected?” to your boss. The one who does not like you and thinks that your brain might be made of cheese.

7. Accidentally fire the wrong person.

8. Never text back.

9. Set fire to nouns - people, places, or things (like democracy) and then run away.

10. Inadvertently launched a nuclear explosive.

I don’t want to brag (but I will!) I’m very experienced not only in getting out of trouble, but also getting into it. While I can’t take credit for the expression, “shit the bed,” I can say that those three words are handy code for problems closer to the catastrophe end of the problem spectrum, specifically a disaster for which one is responsible.

this is a magpie in my house this week