25 pairs of sage green booty shorts

and other shout outs from god

While I’m confident there are many measurable pros and cons of the South American Jungle Commerce Site, one of my personal favorites is that folks can send you things without having your address.

Close second: folks can send you things anonymously, and without a return address.

On the Second Day of Christmas, we returned home to an abundance of packages. Not the new headphones I had ordered which were expected between December 11-13 (props to the delivery truck thief who has AirPods that say KWINN!), but Mystery Packages addressed to my person, via the proxy of the Zon. Three of them, soft and pillowy, filled with apparel or other cloth-made things.

Santa?

Lottery?

Secret admirer?

Do we not all yearn for a secret admirer who sends us brand new clothing near the holidays? A windfall of things from a wishlist we save for personal use, but is apparently public and folks can just Oprah their way into our foyer with holiday cheer?

I wasn’t home during the arrival, so I received a text inquiring as to whether or not I had possibly ordered some clothing for my person? Or for myself? In a terrific quantity?

I could not recall… did I roll over in the night and accidentally engage in a midnight shopping spree? (mental note that this is yet another excellent reason not to sleep within arms reach of your phone).

”What is it?” I texted, hopeful for sweaters or even - at this age and state of late capitalism - socks?

“25 pairs of sage green booty shorts.”

And then a photo.